Thursday, August 15, 2019

The Employee’s Guide To Stashing Food

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By: Autumn R.  

Warning: This article is an article about breaking rules in a crafty manner. Do not read if you intend to be a good, rule-abiding employee. Instead, bookmark it for when you get tired of starving on the job. 
Enjoy! 

This article will be a lifeline to those in the workforce, and to those who aren’t, take this knowledge for future reference. You’ll need it. 
Many workplaces don’t allow food and are pretty good at finding you out, so keep a bit of caution when attempting any of my methods. 

Step One: Hiding It 
I have a few methods for hiding food on or near your person when on the clock, such as... 

The Pocket Stuffer: Using my sweatshirt is one of the easiest ways to keep food in a close, hidden location. The best kind of food to hide in your pocket is food in packaging, like crackers or fruit snacks. You can’t hide anything big in there, and you’d have to open it before putting it in your pocket. Otherwise, you would be easily caught trying to open a noisy package in your pocket. Disposing of the evidence is easy once you’re done. Just casually walk by a trash can with the wrapper already in your hand. 
Or try... 

The Drawer of Secrets: As a cashier, you often have shelves under the register for storing cleaning supplies or extra rolls of receipt paper. At my place of employment, I have drawers that we hardly use. I often put my sweatshirt in the drawers so it’s not on the desk (where customers can see it). I then hide food under the sweatshirt in the drawer. At places like Walmart or Target, you have a shelf just under the cash register itself where things can be hidden, but in either situation, you need to wait until no one is at the desk, and no supervisors are in the area. That would suck to be eating a Cheeto and get caught by your boss. 
You can also use... 

The Ace Up Your Sleeve: Some workplaces have a long-sleeved uniform and this can work in your favor. A surefire snack is Pocky sticks. They’re long and their packaging is quieter than most snacks. However, having food in your sleeve is highly risky, as it’s far more visible than the other two locations and makes much more noise. The package shape is not round like your arm, so it will be quite visible through your sleeve. I would take extreme caution when trying to go this route. 

Step Two: Eating It 
It’s one thing to have food on your person, but getting it in your person is the next step. There are, unfortunately, only a few methods for eating food stealthily... 

The Schoolhouse Cram: This is where you eat with much speed and little style. It’s quite simple, actually. Pick up Cheeto, shove the whole Cheeto in your gullet, and chew fast. Swallow, and done. Repeat when you’re not being watched. It’s as simple as that. However, you’ll want to have a way of cleaning chip dust off your fingers in any of these methods, to be honest. 

The Flavor Savor: This is the method where you slowly eat the food, usually chips in this case, over periods of time. It’s a little weird, so bear with me here. You take the chip, put it in your mouth, and do nothing. Let it dissolve on your tongue to the point where it doesn’t crunch in your mouth. That way, it’s silent. This can take up to five minutes per chip, so it isn’t super fast and is so not recommended if working in customer service. You can hardly talk since there’s food in your mouth. 
There’s one more, but only if you really get along with your coworkers/supervisors 

Captain Oblivious: This is where you just eat it. That’s right. In the article named How To Hide Food At Work, I said to just eat it. I used to work at a restaurant and I would have a bowl of fried rice under the counter. I would eat it until a customer came in the second set of doors and only then put the spoon down and helped them. My boss was okay with this, mainly cause she thought I was too skinny and wanted me to eat more carbs. I ate a lot of rice while I was there. 
A lot of rice. 

Back on track, those are my methods of hiding food at work. Feel free to tweak them to fit your workplace or uniform as you go. 

Until later, 
A.R.R. 

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